Well, you’ve found your way to the sex gift store. Good work. But with so many sexy goodies on offer, how do you decide what to stick in your shopping basket?
Pick her pressies with insight and imagination, and you will be rewarded with the greatest (se)Xmas of your life. Pick ‘em lazily, and that great big penis of yours will be best mates with your right hand by the end of December. So it’s with your New Year happiness in mind that we reveal our Six Steps to Present Picking Heaven. Read and digest them before you reach for that credit card, and you can’t go far wrong. |
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1 Know your woman
To make this whole shopping thing even tougher than it already is, different women have very different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex toys. One woman might think a vibrator disguised as a rubber duck is the ultimate in naughtiness, while another regards adjustable nipple clamps as everyday underwear. If you have regular sex with your bird – and we hope that you do – then you should have a fair idea of what turns her on and what doesn’t. Keep her desires at the very front of your mind when you’re browsing the shop aisles, and don’t get carried away by hot toys or novelties that don’t really match your own gal’s turn-ons. |
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2 Decide your budget
Your main aim here is avoid the two cash extremes, both of which just make you look cheap. Cheap rubbish is cheap rubbish, but gather together a pile of high-quality, inexpensive gifts and present them in an imaginative way, and your recipient will be delighted – and she’s also got lots of things to open on Christmas Day, which is the best bit.
At the other end of the scale, simply throwing money at your partner’s pressie won’t get you very far, unless you’re going out with Colleen McCloughlin. It suggests that you can’t be bothered to think about what she really wants, and it’ll also leave her feeling that she has to match you pound for pound. Go easy, stick to a reasonable budget, and remember that it’s more important to buy her something she’ll love than something she’ll need to keep in a bank vault. |
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| 3 Listen for hints |
| Women drop hints – it’s in their DNA. Learn to pick up on them. You do not need the radar skills of a fruitbat: you just need to listen. You want examples? OK. Has your other half ever mentioned that she’d like to have a fancy dress party? Was she a Rocky Horror aficionado in her mis-spent youth? If so, chances are she’d like to dress up in private, too. But use your common sense. If she says she hates her thighs, she ain’t lying, and will not be thrilled to receive a Sheer Body Stocking. |
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| Many women are sensitive about their shape, so please don’t get into a huff if she’s not keen to prance around the house in a g-string. Listen to what she says about her body, and if in doubt, go for a more flattering option like a babydoll or curve-enhancing corset. |
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| Another good way to pick up hints is to watch telly with her. You may think Sex & The City is the devil’s work, but join her for a couple of episodes and you’ll soon know whether she’s a rabbit vibrator girl or a love swing sexpot. Does she find sex scenes erotic? Then think about getting an erotic DVD for you both to watch. |
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| 4 Use your imagination |
| Women get off on romance, but romance to them means imagination and creativity – not a red carnation from a tuxedoed bucket-carrying bloke in a restaurant, which is the dating equivalent of going “oh OK then” when the windscreen washers accost you at the traffic lights. So, think laterally and work your creative genius around your gal’s lifestyle. For example if she travels a lot for work, buy loads of little travel-friendly toys like the Oyster Remote Control Vibrator and Fingertip Tingler, and maybe an erotic book to amuse her in distant hotel rooms. |
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| Wrap them individually in the best-quality paper you can afford, tie them up with real ribbon and give them to her in a lovely new travel bag, complete with some home-made travellers’ cheques with which she can “pay” you for a shoulder massage, a candle-lit dinner, a trial run of the Oyster… yep, that’s one very grateful girlie. |
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| 5 But be practical, too |
| If she’s allergic to latex, a gift of latex coated Ben Wa balls won’t mean a sexy little Christmas for either of you. Similarly, lubricants, even the most innocuous-seeming stuff like KY Jelly, can trigger allergic reactions in many people. |
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| How to avoid such sticky matters? You will probably know already if your other half is allergic to latex, since it will mean she can’t use most condoms. If that’s the case, it’s probably not a good idea to give her Latex Open Crotch Panties for Christmas. Other allergies can be harder to spot. We wouldn’t recommend asking her, “love, does KY Jelly bring your vulva out in zits?” over dinner one night. Instead, start small. Gift-sized treats like the ID Juicy Lube 10 Pack are a great way to try out a new item, and if allergies rear their itchy heads, just don’t buy the same thing again. Do make sure to find out what ingredient is causing the trouble so that you know what to avoid in future. |
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| Size is another unromantic but crucial factor in choosing outfits or lingerie. A quick cursory look in her knicker drawer is the only sure way to find out her size, unless you’re in charge of the laundry. Make sure she’s out when you do your knicker espionage, and please resist the urge to rummage. Women hide stuff in there that you don’t always want to find. Click for for Honey’s guide to buying lingerie for your bird. |
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| 6 Whose present is it anyway? |
| Remember the time you bought your chick-lit-loving girlfriend a Jackie Chan DVD box-set? She chucked you, didn’t she? Never, ever give your wife or girlfriend a gift that you really just want for yourself. If you are caught doing it, do not be surprised if you never get another blowjob. (Women bear grudges. Grudge-bearing is next to hint-dropping in our evolutionary make-up). |
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| Selfish gift-giving can manifest itself subtly, sometimes so subtly that you hardly know you’re doing it. Stop and think. Why are you buying that Fishnet Catsuit when she’s so shy of her bod that she won’t wear shorts on the beach? Don’t you think she’d rather have some Be Closer Massage Oil? (Answer: yes. All women want some Be Closer Massage Oil, and they want you to massage them with it for an hour on Christmas Day. It’s the law, and please buy some for her right now.) Incidentally, if you give her a bottle of Herbal Grobust Breast Enhancer Liquid when you’ve only been going out for a month, you’re asking for trouble! |
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And that’s about it. Do you feel brave enough to go shopping now?
Click HERE then! |
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